Commitment To Be Free From The Past Part 1

  There is one significant barrier that could stand in the way of happiness of a marriage. There are unresolved issues from the past that are still affecting and influencing our lives. Much of sufferings in marriages is caused by memories. Hiding unpleasant memories will prevent them from being completely healed. They continue to become anchor that we drag along as we limp through life. When we bury memories and wounds we bury them alive. Their resurrection comes when we least suspect it. Painful memories must be dredged up and faced for healing to occur. It surfaces when we encounter problems in marriage. It will determine how we face those problems. Marriage can reveal past hurts and all our efforts to keep those memories hidden may eventually result in a crumbling marriage. 

Where Memories Begin

The Inner Child of the Past

  Feelings and attitudes from even the earliest of years determine the present-day response. Bottled up unpleasant memories conflict with your adult life. These memories are "inner child of the past". Part of your discomfort arises because many of the feelings are not unreasonable for a child but seem undesirable and unreasonable for an adult. Parents usually responds to you as child. But when your parents are not around, you assumed the attitudes and beliefs of your parents so that you respond to yourself and to others the way they did, even though these attitudes are not your own. You respond to life partly as a mature adult and partly as your child of the past. 

The Old Patterns of the Past

  In becoming your own parent, you cling to old patterns from the past because they are familiar even though they hurt. It takes effort to break away from the past. Your past emerges more clearly when you marry. The child in us had numerous expectations. Childhood patterns, whether healthy or painful are familiar and familiarity brings security and comfort. We will probably get drawn towards people who are like our parents in many ways or people who are opposite of our parents. All people do not try to recreate their original families when they marry. Many wants to go for the opposite and look for a spouse who is different but they may overlook buried similarities that emerge later on. 

  As you grew your physical dependence becomes less and less from your parents but your dependence on your parents for good feelings decreases much more slowly and for some the decrease is negligible.

 to be continued...

Materials taken from
Wright, H.N. (1985). So You're Getting Married. Ventura, California: Regal Books.