This post is a continuation from
Part 1 and
Part 2 on our preparation for marriage.
These is what a marriage is going to involve:
1. Marriage is a Gift
- A gift is an item selected with care and consideration with the purpose of bringing delight and fulfillment to another, an expression of deep feeling on the part of the giver. You put a lot of care and effort into selecting and presenting the gift. You not only have given the object but you also have given your time and energy. Gifts that are most appreciated are not the most expensive but those reflect the investment of yourself in considering the desires and wants of the other person. The way you present it and the sacrifice you make also make a gift special.
- You are a gift to your spouse.
Q:
If you consider yourself a gift, how will you live so your spouse feels that he/she has been given a special gift?
Will you invest your time, thought and energy in your spouse?
Will your spouse experience delight, fulfillment and a feeling of being special?
How can you, as a gift be used in the life of your spouse to lift his/her spirits and outlook on life?
- On the receiving end of the gift.
Q:
How do you react when you receive a special gift that brings you delight?
Think of your childhood years. What are the most exciting or special gift you ever received?
Can you remember your thoughts and feelings as you received that gift?
How did you treat that gift?
Did you take special care of it and protect it from harm and loss?
- A gift is given as an expression of our love. It is not based on whether the recipient deserves it or not. Our giving of a gift is an act of grace.
Q:
If your spouse is a special gift to you, how will you treat this gift?
Will you give your spouse the finest care, attention, protection and place of prominence in your life?
Will your partner feel as though he/she really is a gift to you?
2. Marriage is Servanthood
- Jesus voluntarily becomes a "bond-servant" looking out for our interest rather than His own.
- Notice one important point: We must never demand that our partner be our servant or live up to the clear teachings of Scripture. If we do that, we are more concerned with meeting our own needs instead of being a servant.
- This means sacrificial love- servanthood.
A truly loving husband will regard his wife as a completely equal partner in everything that concerns their life together. He will assert his headship to see that this equal partnership is kept inviolable. Hers is to be an equal contribution in areas, say, of decision-making, conflict-resolution, emerging family developmental planning, and daily family management. Whether it concerns finances, or child discipline, or social life- whatever it may be, she is an equal partner. Loving headship affirms, defers, shares; it encourages and stimulates. Loving headship delights to delegate without demanding. Yet, throughout the equalitarian process, the husband knows all the while that he bears the responsibility before God for the healthful maintenance of the marriage.
- A servant's role is to make sure the other person's needs are met. In a husband-wife relationship, being a servant is an act of love, a gift to the other person to make his/her life fuller. It is not something to be demanded. It is an act of strength and not of weakness. It is a positive action which has been chosen to show your love to each other. Hence the apostle Paul said," Be subject to one another," not limiting the role of servanthood to the wife.
- A servant is an "enabler" means " to make better". You are to make life easier for your spouse instead of placing restrictive demands upon him/her. A enabler does not make more work for the partner nor does he/she hinder the other from becoming all he/she been designed to become.
- A servant is also one who "edifies" or builds up the other person. 3 examples of edifying expressed in the verses below: (1) personal encouragement, (2) inner strengthening, and (3) the establishment of peace and harmony between individuals.
- To edify means to cheer another person on in life. You are to be a one-person rooting section for your spouse which can increase your spouse's feelings of self worth. The result is that your spouse's capacity to love and give in return is enhanced.
- To encourage your spouse is to inspire him/her with renewed courage, spirit and hope. It is an act of affirmation for who the person is.
3. Marriage involves intimacy
- Intimacy is shared identity, a "we" relationship. There must be a level of honesty that makes each vulnerable to the other.
- The basis for true physical intimacy actually results from 2 other critical areas- emotional intimacy and aesthetic intimacy.
- When a couple learns to share the emotional level, when they can understand and experience each other's feelings, they are well on the way to achieving true intimacy. Barriers and walls must be lowered for intimacy to develop.
- Judson Swihart writes the tragedy of a marriage lacking emotional intimacy
Some people are like medieval castles. Their high walls keep them safe from being hurt. They protect themselves emotionally by permitting no exchange of feelings with others. No one can enter. They are secure from attack. However, inspection of the occupant finds him or her lonely, rattling around his castle alone. The castle dweller is a self-made prisoner. He or she needs to feel loved by someone, but the walls are so high that it is difficult to reach out or for anyone else to reach in.
4. Marriage is a Call to Suffering
- The key issue to life's crises is our response.
- What does "consider" actually mean? It refers to an internal attitude of the heart or the mind that allows the trial or circumstances of life to affect us adversely or beneficially. You have the power to decide what your attitude will be.
- Don't ever deny the pain or the hurt that you might have to got through, but always ask, "What can i learn from it and how can it be used for God's glory?"
- The verb tense in the word consider indicates a decisiveness of action. Not an attitude of resignation. The verb tense actually indicates that you will have to go against your natural inclination to see the trial as a negative force.
- God created us with both the capacity and the freedom to determine how we will respond to those unexpected incidents which life brings our way. You may honestly wish that a certain event had never occurred. But you cannot change the fact.
- As members of the Body of Christ, we suffer when one member suffers. In the minor or major crises which will occur in your marriage, each partner will experience hurt. Hurt shared, diminished; carried alone it expands.
- Lewis B. Smedes describes marital suffering in this way
Anybody's marriage is a harvest of suffering. Romantic lotus-eaters may tell you marriage was designed to be a pleasure-dome for erotic spirits to frolic in self-fulfilling relations. But they play you false. Your marriage vow was a promise to suffer. Yes, to suffer. It made sense, because the person you married was likely to get hurt along the route, sooner or later, more or less, but hurt. And you promised to hurt with your spouse. A marriage is a life of shared pain.
- This is a priviledge! This is our ministry to one another! This is a reflection of the gift of marriage! How will you respond to this aspect of marriage?
Materials taken from
Wright, H.N. (1985). So You're Getting Married. Ventura, California: Regal Books.
