Commitment to be Free From The Past Part 3

One of our tasks as adult is to identify our thoughts and feelings and discover their origin. Recognizing them is easier but accepting or modifying them may be difficult. Memories are the basis for how we feel about ourselves and many of us carry distorted views of ourselves. They usually stem from childhood and may have been created by longtime parental attitudes.

The Effects of Personal Rejection
  Many people grow up from childhood with the belief that acceptance and affection have a price tag- they are not free gifts, but something one earns by accomplishing something, attaining some goal or refraining from doing something. Rejection communicates to your that you are not worth having a relationship with or even knowing. Rejection occurs and you feel hurt and even bitter. You become very sensitive to actual or apparent rebuffs. You anticipate rejection and read it into other people's response.You assume the worst and are very suspicious. You also tend to reject yourself if you feel you were rejected by someone you care for. You will enter marriage starved for love and acceptance, needing constant attention, acceptance and affection.
  Some people are perfectionists. They have endless goal of pleasing their parents even though the parents are no longer around. They become anxious because the lack of perfect behavior in others arouses his own feelings of self-belittlement. Perfectionists are difficult to live with. They experience success but still feel empty and dissatisfied.
  We do not need a list of achievements to prove ourselves as persons of worth. We need not fear losing our worth, because God's estimation of us is not based upon our qualifications. We can believe that our worth is a gift from God, we are free to risk because worth remains stable whether we achieve or not. We are free to attempt new ventures which could actually enhance this gift of worth. God's act in our life is an emancipation. We are free from the infringement of fearful hesitation and perfectionistic striving.

The Effects of Indulgence
  Some parents think that the best way of expressing their love is through indulgence. The child is constantly kept in a dependent passive state and does not learn to take initiative. He expects others to provide and entertain him. You will label him as selfish or self-centered. This person expects his/her spouse to be a mind reader and if the spouse is not, he/she will complain not always outwardly but in inner conversation eg "my wife ought to know i like..." This person is a taker and not a giver. Intimacy and emotional involvement in marriage cannot develop. He has no concern over disappointing his partner. He resists any efforts on the part of his partner to help him become a contributing member of the marriage. He will find many ways to escape giving.

Materials taken from
Wright, H.N. (1985). So You're Getting Married. Ventura, California: Regal Books.